Shut up, Sit down, And Listen.

For some time I have been ignoring this blog in hopes of avoiding processing any unwanted thoughts I would be much "happier" repressing. For the past few months I feel that God has been silently taking me through little deserts where I am reminded of my brokenness and the brokenness of this world and the people I roam it with, and trusting me to transition through it with integrity. At first, I felt guilty because in my mind having integrity  paralleled 'emotional strength'(or what I perceived as strong). With the death of my friend, stress of inadequacy, falling behind in seminary, lack of accountability and support, and huge financial issues, my emotional strength was at a low. I was weak and poured guilt into my mind because I questioned my integrity. "Doesn't integrity imply strength? Aren't church leaders supposed to exude strength? Am I a bad leader because I am not strong?" I had concluded myself a failure and my mind began to twist anything remotely negative into a personal prick to the skin of my heart. But praise God that He intercedes! Jesus gave me a good kick  in the pants and showed me that integrity does not invalidate my emotions. Jesus was an emotional being as well. He feared Luke 22:42. Jesus grieved John 11:35. He got really angry Matthew 21:12-14. He was so stressed that HE LITERALLY SWEAT BLOOD (Hematridosis) Luke 22:44. A lot of the "Christian" world sees these as weak negative emotions and condemn people for not fully surrendering to God if one is overcome by any of these. Yet Jesus, kept His integrity through all of these situations. And Jesus is victory. So how can emotional "weakness" coincide with strength? 

Be still. Be still. Be still. Be still. Be still. Be still.

I constantly battle with this. Living in a place where you are always around people always, I find it hard to be still. Splitting the functions of my brain between different roles of responsibility and already having poor attention/focus while still trying to be present with people because I work in a people's ministry makes me suck at being still. God is always working in our lives but as I mentioned above, He has being doing everything so quietly. He is being still. And so He keeps trying to wean me back in to the place of stillness where He is. Recently, through the stillness, I have been hearing Him. 

To try and understand a bit more about what God is trying to teach me, I did a scriptural study of every place that mentions "being still". I will list my favourites below:
Exodus 14:13
Numbers 9:8
Joshua 10:13
2 Chronicles 20:17
Nehemiah 8:10-11
Job 37:14
Psalm 4:4-5
Psalm 46:10
Hebrews 3:11
Mark 10:49
Luke 7:14
Luke 18:40 

If anyone has the time, I would encourage you to check out these scriptures and invest some time to be still. I myself, am continually working on and learning what it means to do so. It is a very healthy challenge for me. The following are 4 things that I pulled, from all of these verses. 
1. Stillness= the ability to  actively stop, watch, and listen to God do His thing 
2. Experiencing God requires stillness
3.Knowing God requires stillness 
4. Making decisions requires stillness 

I would expound upon these but there is really so much inside them that it is better I let you do your own exegesis, it may be more meaningful than reading mine. What was really neat to mesh together was the realisation that when I am still in the Lord it is okay to feel whatever I am feeling. It is okay to be weak because weak is what I truly am. But when I am still in the Lord I take on His strength. So my weakness is actually a very helpful thing because there is more room from what I lack for God to fill with what He is. God beautifully designed my weakness and His strength to perfectly marry. Therefore, there is no need for my guilty nonsense.

I hope that this has given you something to ponder- we'll be pondering together! Some other updates on my life include:

• my youth are trying to raise funds to go on a mission trip to the Transkei (google this!)
• there are a lot of hard and healthy changes happening in the Port Elizabeth Oceans of Mercy branch -more to come soon
• my youth group in the Wells Estate township is growing like crazy! God is doing amazing things in the kids lives and I am so stoked to be a part of the journey.
• Music ministry is incredible and so fulfilling-more to come on this as well 

I have to go now. On my way to our Westside Family Church Staff meeting! If anyone reading this wants to donate or support any ministry mentioned above please please let me know. I would love to share more information on the needs of the kids with you. There are a lot of places that your help would make all the difference. I hope that those of you reading are doing well. I love and miss you all! Cheers and blessings my friends. 

p.s- this is not proof read and more of a rant so I apologise if none of this makes sense lol